It's True...Men Will Stick Their Penis Anywhere That Fits

Ever walk around the park and wonder if humping that super seductive steel bench will fulfill your day? Well, Xing, a 41 year-old man, certainly did believe that the feeling of cold steel against his member was just what he needed. Who can blame him though, really? It was a quiet night in Hong Kong, quite dark, people were sleeping, everybody does something pretty creepy once in a while.

It's just really too bad for Xing, because he got aroused by all the dangers involved in this villainous act and his dick got stuck, then it swelled up, and by then he had no choice but to call the authorities.
What an extremely awkward phone call that must've been.

"Help! My penis is stuck!"
"Where are you located, sir?"
"Lan Tian park"
"Where is it stuck? I mean, what is it stuck in."
"A bench"
"A bench? Did you try to fuck a bench, sir. Or, were you doing nude push-ups"
"Uh...The second one"

After the phone call, the police arrived, and they tried basically everything to liberate this man from the steel fist of the bench. They eventually had to saw the whole damn bench off and bring the man-perv to the hospital. Four hours later, Xing, now officially known as Dick-In-A-Bench guy (Timberlake-esque), had his penis back and vows that his hand will be the only thing touching his dong for the next three years.

Now, because of men like Xing, there will be labels on public benches that read: "CAUTION: No, Do NOT Stick Your Dick in these Holes...Pervert"

Check out the painful video of the incident below:
Warning: Lots of moaning and some blood in the video.


Official News Coverage HERE

Guy Sings like A Woman | He Does It Well

Remember Disney's Aladdin? Remember that beautiful song where Aladdin brings Jasmine on that super duper magical carpet ride and serenades her? It's like...after the part where he asks her "Do you trust me?" and she gives that creepy/sexy/evil look and takes his hand...do you remember? Well, yeah...this guy has a video...and he sings that "A Whole New World" song in it...he does it quite well...and yes...he even sings Jasmine's lines. It's hilarious how he shifts into Jasmine's voice, it's slightly unexpected when you first see it. Except, now that I've warned you...whatever...just check it out below.


Also, you should try not looking at your screen and listening to him sing Jasmine's part, I swear to God you'll think it's a girl singing.

Thanks Simon for sending me this link

The Story of Christian, The Lion | Caution: You May Tear With Joy and Happiness

IF YOU DO NOT FEEL WARM AND CUDDLY AFTER READING ABOUT THIS STORY AND WATCHING THE VIDEO, YOU ARE A ROBOT.

Here's the story:

In 1969, A pair of Austrailian roomates, John Rendall and Anthony Bourke, decided one day to purchase a lion cub from a department store for god knows what. The lion cub, named Christian, soon became their best friend and lived with them until he became too large and unmanageable for their apartment. It was decided that it was best for them to let Christian go to live in the wild (à la The Fox and the Hound) and hope, with a little help, that he can adapt to the environment. Eventually, Christian adapted very well to the wild and became the head of his pride. About a year after being released into his new habitat, Rendall and Bourke decided that they should visit Christian one more time, just to have a final goodbye. They were told that Christian would, sadly, probably not remember them after adapting to his new home. The persistent roomates refused to listen, and visited anyway. This is a video clip of their reunion.


See, you're tearing now, right? If you're not, get out you soulless bastard.

Anyway, I now realize the futility in me posting the story up before the video, since the video tells you the parts of the story you need to know already. Oh well.

Oh, also, the truly amazing thing about this story is that Christian had not been spotted near that campsite for nine months... however, on the eve before Rendall and Bourke's visit, he arrived on the scene and waited with his family on a rock nearby, as though he was waiting for their arrival. Incredible.

For the full, incredible story...read THIS
And for a more comprehensive video, watch THIS

Super Mario Brothers | The "CHUCK NORRIS" Way

Chuck Norris jokes are always stupid and lame but yet at the same time, for some reason, are always hilarious. And now, there is a Chuck Norris game out there that is so ridiculous, so stupid and lame, but also, for some reason, you just have to play it. Check out the video of the game below.

SUPER CHUCK NORRIS BROS.

To download this uber game, go HERE

UPDATE:
I just downloaded and played this game (don't judge me) and I realized that Chuck Norris can't die in this game. Like, he's invincible...those evil mushrooms can't hurt him and there's no health bar. How fitting.

Just had to throw this in...

Other than the weird first 25 seconds...this video was very entertaining...and I still can't figure out why...

NHL Report | "I DON'T WANT MATS SUNDIN" says this Canucks fan

There have been a whole lot of signings since free agency opened on July 1st, but I'm only gonna talk about what the Canucks did, because I don't really care about any other team. Lets start with the big news first...

MATS SUNDIN - Now, I know this old bastard hasn't signed with the Canucks yet even after being offered 10 million a year (which would make him the highest paid player in the NHL) but I think it's ridiculous he's even being offered that much money. And so far, it doesn't even look like he wants to play here, so it's been a huge slap in the face to the Canucks who threw all that money at him. He's said time and time again he's loyal to the leafs and wants to be a leaf for life. I, for one, don't want someone thats loyal to any other team other than my own...especially if the team he's loyal to is the goddamn leafs. (fuck the leafs) And lets get back to the money...10 million...are you serious? 10 million!? that's almost 2 million more than the phenom Crosby is making...that's just ridiculous. Sundin, stay in Toronto, we don't want you here.

Ryan Johnson - Good third line guy with speed and the potential to score because of it. I like this pickup and I think he could be the pickup that's overlooked until he starts scoring shorties like there's no tomorrow.

Darcy Hordichuk - I like this pickup. This guy can hit and brings grit to a pretty soft Canucks team. Also, Hordichuk is awesome because he has his own site. It's got videos of his best hits and fights and all other Hordichukian-stuff. Now, finally Jeff Cowan, the wannabe heavyweight, doesn't have to be the muscle and can get used to being a healthy scratch. No offense, I like Cowan (especially during his odd scoring tear way back)...he's a fighter... but he doesn't seem to ever win a fight...all he does is score once every 40 games or so. That's like hiring Manny Pacquaio to mow your lawn three times a year.

Nolan Baumgartner - Fuck this guy, not good enough offensively or defensively. Why the fuck do we need this blast-from-the-past so called offensive defenseman. My prediction: he gets traded again to the dumbass Flyers who thought he was worth something a couple years back.

Steve Bernier - Good pickup. Young, big, right-handed (perfect for Sedin line), and skilled with loads of potential. Fuck you John Davidson for that offer sheet. Waste our money, ya big baby.

Pavol Demitra - We haven't signed him yet, but rumour has it...we're his first choice. I wouldn't mind having this guy, and I heard the deal is going to be like 3 years for 12 million...which isn't too bad for a potential first line center. The only problem is that the original source of this info is from the infamous Eklund...who is a piece of shit loser that doesn't deserve to be easily linked. Go google him if you care.

That's enough of the NEW blood joining the Canucks. Let's reflect on a couple of key guys that won't be coming back to the Canucks next year...

Brendan Morrison - This guy never seemed to live up to his potential after the fall of the West Coast Express. It may not have been his fault, or anyone's fault, but I really do hope he kicks ass in Anaheim. He's at least a second line center and was one of the best centers on the free agent market. This guy is well-respected here and the only time I won't root for him is when he's against the Canucks.

Markus Naslund - There are haters out there that are angry that he's leaving. I personally don't think some fans appreciated him enough here. He was criticized for not being good enough all the time or "captain-enough"...and he took it all from fans who were too young or too stupid to remember all the times he came through...I have a strong feeling he will flourish in NYR where fans might not be so critical and pretentious. And for those who still respect Naslund, here are two great tribute videos of the one we called Captain:
Video 1
Video 2
Best of Luck, Nazzy. We won't forget you.

Trevor Linden - Trevor Linden is the man. The greatest Canuck and the greatest Captain and the greatest person. A player that was impossible to hate, and will most definitely have his number retired at G.M. Place. For those of you who missed his last game in the NHL where he was given a very special tribute from the fans...here it is. Amazing.

Funniest Asian Rap Ever

Okay, so...the rapping is horrible, the beatboxing is nonexistent, and the lyrics are garbage. But this is the funniest shit I've seen in awhile. I love how the cameraman can hardly contain himself and laughs at the ridiculously bad gangster lingo at the beginning.

So, this is what I understood the lyrics to be:

You look fat, like a cat
Look at your ugly head
I want to hit you with a bat
You suck, like a duck
I want to hit you with a puck
And kick you in the knee
Throw you in the sea
YO!!!...

The description of the video said he was freestyling. So... NO, he's not retarded...

Dancing Around the World with Matthew Harding

Matthew Harding is a bad dancer. In fact, he's a horrible dancer. So how come this guy gets to dance in 42 different countries around the world with thousands and thousands of other people for FREE?

Well, it's long and complicated reason...so just read his story and all about his travels HERE, but, before that, watch this inspiring video he made about his journey...

(note at 3:30, he dances in my hometown, Vancouver, booyah)

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

I BELIEVE...

1. that IF you STILL don't know what you want to order after waiting FIFTEEN MINUTES in a starbucks lineup you should be forced (by law) to buy coffee for the agitated (and forcefully compliant) person behind you.

2. that any girl under 16 years old should NOT have the freedom to wear skirts that rise above their knees. Gross.

3. that JAPADOGS are amazing and anyone who doesn't like them is racist/snobby. (Just kidding...kind of)

On to a lighter note...

MAC VS. PC COMMERCIALS...WITH A SOUTH PARK TWIST...

Check out this hilarious parody of the Mac vs. PC Commercials using South Park characters.


Find the sequel (with linux!) to this commercial parody HERE

Also, check out this application that lets you create your own South Park Character!

VIDS VIDS VIDS...

I am a YOUTUBER with a specific tastes. Videos with quality deadpan humour and ridiculously stupid humour make me laugh. These are some FUNNY videos that I think fit that quality.

Oh by the way, I apologize in advance if this absorbs you into a 5 hour long Youtube Frenzy where you watch video after video until you realize the sun is rising right outside your window and you've made an irreparable ass groove in your chair (yeah, we've all done it before).

Demetri Martin - Jokes with a Guitar


Whitest Kids U' Know - Slow Jerk


Whitest Kids U Know - Cubicle Boss


Picniceface - Powerthirst


Picnicface - Powerthirst 2


And lastly, Funny commercials