Blog Writing Hiatus

I'll be back in 2 weeks.

Pizza Employee Robbed By Her Own Father | Will Need Kids Help Phone Line

Stephanie Martinez has an odd family. Either her parents have no idea where her daughter works, or they just don't really like her. Last week, Stephanie was working her shift at a local Pizza parlour in Denton when a man with a wig and sunglasses came into the joint and tried to rob the place. Fortunately, as displayed in the video below, her coworker beat the crap out of her dad when she was about to hand him the money. The coworker knocked out the daddy/robber and the wig/sunglasses disguise fell off his face prompting Stephanie to yell "Stop! That's my dad!"

Police have reason to believe that Stephanie had no idea that her father, Benjamin "RobMyDaughter" Ramirez, was going to come to the place that night... and hence she couldn't have been in on the robbery. I beg to differ. But, it's just a hunch. Like, I think if her daddy was gonna rob her joint, he would warn her ahead of time...but who knows, that's just me.

More via DallasNews

Check out the video below of the coworker knocking out the Father of the Year

DMX Arrested For Identity Theft | What's His Real Name Anyway?

No, he didn't pretend to be a dog.

DMX, the rapper famous for his barking noises and not very good music, used the fake name "Troy Jones" and a fake social security number when he checked into an Arizona hospital. He failed to pay for a $7,500 medical bill and hence he was tracked down and arrested in Phoenix.

His real name is Earl Simmons if you're wondering. That so doesn't fit him. He should stick with DMX.

More via UPI

The iGiveUp | Handgun Bluetooth Headset is Stupid

So, the idea of this bluetooth headset is to let you answer your phone calls by pulling a trigger when aiming a gun at your head. I don't know about you, but I'm probably not gonna carry a toy gun around and there's even less chance of me aiming it at my head when I'm on the bus with people staring at me just hoping I go through with it. Then of course, there are the legalities involved with carrying a toy gun in public, which I don't really know about but I don't want to get arrested for suspicious activity or something.

Regardless of all these flaws, people still want to get this thing. I don't get it. Who the hell wants to use this in public? It's funny for about 1.2 seconds then you realize what a stupid idea it is to be pointing a gun at your ear to answer a call.

More via Geekologie

Watch this video of people showing off the iGiveUp to people lining up for the iPhone

The Joker Scares the Shit Out of Me | Does Heath Ledger Deserve An Oscar? *SPOILERS*

So I watched The Dark Knight a couple nights ago...a day after opening night. Yes, I waited in line for an hour and bought the tickets a day before and lined up behind a bunch of over-weight, popcorn guzzling comic book nerds that feel they know Batman in person. It was a pain. And I know many of you have not seen it yet, but I don't care...I'm gonna write about it anyway.

Some people have made ridiculous claims that Heath Ledger is only getting oscar votes because of his tragic death half a year ago. I've even heard some people claim that Heath Ledger faked his death as a publicity stunt. Jesus, everyone's so skeptical these days. I say to all those people...please watch the movie first before you judge and make pretentious statements. If Heath's being considered for an oscar, it's because he now made The Joker the last person in the world I want to meet.

I, for one, was against all the hype of The Dark Knight because of all the people that assumed this was a good movie before they even saw it. I wanted to see it because Batman Begins, the prequel, was amazing and a sequel with The Joker was only going to make it more interesting. Anyways, I'm just going to say it now...Heath definitely deserves an Oscar for this movie, and I'm pretty sure he's going to win. He sizzled every time he was on screen and he made me squirm in my seat every time he spoke in that psychotic voice. His voice was just so twisted and the way he constantly licked his lips just gave me the impression that Heath was legitimately insane. It was chilling, but I wanted more. I wanted more psycho Heath. I thought about it for awhile and I know he deserves an oscar, and it's not just because he died half a year ago. If you just see him on screen, he's so twisted, so dark, so eerie...it's nothing like Heath. The Knight's Tale Heath or even the Brokeback Mountain Heath don't even compare to how far he had to reach to encompass the essence of The Joker. The whole movie, I didn't even process that Heath Ledger was playing The Joker, it's not even Heath at all. I swear to God, I saw evil in him.

Wait, I just lied, there was ONE moment in which I processed The Joker was Heath Ledger. It's the moment where he fires a rocket during the car chase and the recoil flings his hair in front of him...and I processed, just for that moment, that Joker was played by that guy from A Knight's Tale. But it's okay, it was just one moment.

Now, I still gotta give a shout out to The Joker's makeup crew and the movie's writers...especially the writers (they're always forgotten) who created this character...because although Heath acted it out...it's the writers that gave him the incredibly sick dialogue that will stick with me in my nightmares.
My nightmares, oh god...I can see it now...The Joker's maniacal laugh echoes throughout the room as he slowly slices my mouth open with a blade. Then, he'll grab the sides of my head before I topple over and stare into my drowsy eyes...tilting his head slightly to the left and smiling from cheek to cheek with his scarred face...and then he'll whisper to me...

"why so serious?"

The Most Awesomest Invention Ever | The Bubble Wrap Calendar

GET A FREAKING BUBBLE CALENDAR
In my opinion, whoever thought up of this idea is a genius. Everytime I look at one of those poor, innocent, and over-inflated bubbles I just want to pop it and put it out of its misery. Now, I know doing this daily will be a problem for the many people out there that have that same sense of bubble-popping justice as I do...but that's what the package deals are for!...so if you let loose on one calendar you can still have 9 more! Supposedly, if you contact them they will give you a good package deal to satisfy all your OCD needs.

Oh, btw, these calendars are ridiculously expensive.

For those of you who don't mind virtually relieving these bubbles, go HERE and let loose

Guy Sings like A Woman | He Does It Well

Remember Disney's Aladdin? Remember that beautiful song where Aladdin brings Jasmine on that super duper magical carpet ride and serenades her? It's like...after the part where he asks her "Do you trust me?" and she gives that creepy/sexy/evil look and takes his hand...do you remember? Well, yeah...this guy has a video...and he sings that "A Whole New World" song in it...he does it quite well...and yes...he even sings Jasmine's lines. It's hilarious how he shifts into Jasmine's voice, it's slightly unexpected when you first see it. Except, now that I've warned you...whatever...just check it out below.


Also, you should try not looking at your screen and listening to him sing Jasmine's part, I swear to God you'll think it's a girl singing.

Thanks Simon for sending me this link

"Dr. Horrible" | Neil Patrick Harris Stars in Miniseries

So, there's a hilarious miniseries found at http://www.drhorrible.com/ in which Neil Patrick Harris (aka Barney from How I Met Your Mother or boy genius from Dougie Houser) stars as the evil villain, Dr. Horrible. The basic premise of the story is that this "villain" played by NPH is helplessly in love with a girl that goes to his laundromat...and in turn this girl distracts him from doing "evil things" and achieving his ultimate goal of being part of a special league of evil villains. It's a funny miniseries with a great twist since your sympathy goes out to the villain, while the supposed hero (Dr. Horrible's nemesis) is a jackass. Oh yeah, did I mention this is a musical?

Also, one more thing, I forgot to mention that this free streaming is only available for a short period of time so watch it NOW!! And read the "Master Plan" to find out how this special show came about.

The Story of Christian, The Lion | Caution: You May Tear With Joy and Happiness

IF YOU DO NOT FEEL WARM AND CUDDLY AFTER READING ABOUT THIS STORY AND WATCHING THE VIDEO, YOU ARE A ROBOT.

Here's the story:

In 1969, A pair of Austrailian roomates, John Rendall and Anthony Bourke, decided one day to purchase a lion cub from a department store for god knows what. The lion cub, named Christian, soon became their best friend and lived with them until he became too large and unmanageable for their apartment. It was decided that it was best for them to let Christian go to live in the wild (à la The Fox and the Hound) and hope, with a little help, that he can adapt to the environment. Eventually, Christian adapted very well to the wild and became the head of his pride. About a year after being released into his new habitat, Rendall and Bourke decided that they should visit Christian one more time, just to have a final goodbye. They were told that Christian would, sadly, probably not remember them after adapting to his new home. The persistent roomates refused to listen, and visited anyway. This is a video clip of their reunion.


See, you're tearing now, right? If you're not, get out you soulless bastard.

Anyway, I now realize the futility in me posting the story up before the video, since the video tells you the parts of the story you need to know already. Oh well.

Oh, also, the truly amazing thing about this story is that Christian had not been spotted near that campsite for nine months... however, on the eve before Rendall and Bourke's visit, he arrived on the scene and waited with his family on a rock nearby, as though he was waiting for their arrival. Incredible.

For the full, incredible story...read THIS
And for a more comprehensive video, watch THIS

How to Make a Racist Toy

CHOP SUEY SPECS, as they're called.

Originally sold in the 1960's. What a really freaking racist toy. haha...but it's hard not to laugh.

Oh btw, if this toy really does "fool your friends" into thinking you're chinese if/when you're really not, then you need to get new (smarter) friends.

Kanye West has a Blog? Yes, and he goes NUTS on it

I didn't know Kanye West had a blog. I assumed his writing wouldn't be so great since...yaknow...sometimes his lyrics sucks. But still, I respect the man because he's a good entertainer with some good beats and a smart businessman. Anyways, at first I didn't think the blog was really written by him and it was only used for marketing purposes...but after reading this very angry and passionate post...I was convinced it was him. He types in full caps for a good 200 words about his Bonnaroo concert and the reason why he showed up late...stage crew difficulties he says...and he's pissed about how people are hating on him for not giving his all in a performance. Here's a segment from the angry post:

"NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE." CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????"

Look at all those question marks! So angry, so confused...he's flying guys...cmon...don't shoot him down...

Anyways back to the story...There seems to be some controversy because (this is where it gets interesting) this guy claims that Kanye was smoking weed with him before the performance and was late heading out onto stage because of it. What to believe!?

Well, what I think is that both are telling the truth but I don't think that the weed is the full reason to why Kanye was late. It was probably mostly the staging problems but the weed didn't help. Either way, it really doesn't matter that much. I just thought it was cool that Kanye West had a blog.

Check out the full angry Kanye West post HERE.

How to Freak the Shit Out of...Everybody | "The Ultimate Yard Protection"

Sick of putting up cameras to track who treads your territory in the middle of the night? Irritated by those pesky kids who stamp all over your flowers whenever they kick their soccer ball over your fence? Well then the Garden Zombie is perfect for you...because it will literally scare the shit of anybody that walks on your land.

Side effects of this, The Ultimate Yard Protection:
- You may receive calls from the cops who are suspicious as to why you have a corpse emerging from your garden
- Zombie enthusiasts may believe that your garden is "just the beginning" and will come knocking at your door pleading you to re-bury that dead body
- Your children may run away from home
- Your friends may not want to be your friends anymore

More via Nerd Approved

Check out other odd garden decorations HERE

Super Mario Brothers | The "CHUCK NORRIS" Way

Chuck Norris jokes are always stupid and lame but yet at the same time, for some reason, are always hilarious. And now, there is a Chuck Norris game out there that is so ridiculous, so stupid and lame, but also, for some reason, you just have to play it. Check out the video of the game below.

SUPER CHUCK NORRIS BROS.

To download this uber game, go HERE

UPDATE:
I just downloaded and played this game (don't judge me) and I realized that Chuck Norris can't die in this game. Like, he's invincible...those evil mushrooms can't hurt him and there's no health bar. How fitting.

This Shit Will Get You High

So, supposedly, drug addicts in poor south east Asian countries are trying to get stoned by inhaling the vapours of their own poop.

Me: Hey, let's get high.
You: Yeah, I got some good shit. Smell this.
Me: That's nasty, that's shit in your hands.
You: Yeah, it's good shit.
Me: No, that's literally a piece of shit, put it away.

More on this via Morningstarr

THIS JUST IN... GOKU IS WHITE | The New Dragon Ball Z Movie

Wtf Wtf Wtf Wtf Wtf.

I grew up watching Dragon Ball Z. Many people from my generation did. And many of these loyal fans were led to believe that the lead character, Goku, was of asian descent (or at least looked it, because technically he's an alien, but that's too complicated to explain). Anyways, according to the new live action DBZ movie, we were wrong. Apparently, Goku is white. And Justin Chatwin will portray his character. Now, somebody tell me why on earth can't this crew of asians (Director James Wong, Producer Stephen Chow) just say "fuck the money" and put in an asian as the lead role as it should be? Maybe they can sleep better at night if they do so. In my opinion this movie will lose money anyways seeing as though the lead actor is a white boy...and all the loyal asian fans that would have wanted to see this live action DBZ movie would now throw it aside while mumbling "pff" under the breath. Now, don't call me a hypocrite because I don't want a white guy playing an asian character, I'm just playing this fair. If the original manga casted Goku as a character of caucasian descent, then fine...just like I'm fine with all the other Hollywood movies filled with Caucasians as the lead roles. I'm just saying, some movies have already pushed the Asians into backup roles when they shouldn't have... and I'm sick of seeing it. Like, honestly, are people of races other than asians going to squint at the screen and refuse to pay money just because an asian is playing the lead role in a movie that is based on a Japanese manga? If so, they are racist, and if I ever have the opportunity of creating a movie, there's no way I'm catering to racists.

Hancock | I Only Saw Half of A Movie...

Oh...it was so close. The first hour is so good...almost great, mainly because Will Smith is so very charasmatic. The premise of this story is also very original and almost brilliant. Jason Bateman is flawless, and hilarious whenever he's on screen. But...man...seriously the last half of this movie (after that very confusing and very horrible plot twist) was just garbage. Like COME ON! Even after the disappointing twist I was hoping the movie would turn it around and give us a satisfying ending. Or, at the very least, tell us what in the world was going on! Ugh. Give me half my money back.

Just had to throw this in...

Other than the weird first 25 seconds...this video was very entertaining...and I still can't figure out why...

NHL Report | "I DON'T WANT MATS SUNDIN" says this Canucks fan

There have been a whole lot of signings since free agency opened on July 1st, but I'm only gonna talk about what the Canucks did, because I don't really care about any other team. Lets start with the big news first...

MATS SUNDIN - Now, I know this old bastard hasn't signed with the Canucks yet even after being offered 10 million a year (which would make him the highest paid player in the NHL) but I think it's ridiculous he's even being offered that much money. And so far, it doesn't even look like he wants to play here, so it's been a huge slap in the face to the Canucks who threw all that money at him. He's said time and time again he's loyal to the leafs and wants to be a leaf for life. I, for one, don't want someone thats loyal to any other team other than my own...especially if the team he's loyal to is the goddamn leafs. (fuck the leafs) And lets get back to the money...10 million...are you serious? 10 million!? that's almost 2 million more than the phenom Crosby is making...that's just ridiculous. Sundin, stay in Toronto, we don't want you here.

Ryan Johnson - Good third line guy with speed and the potential to score because of it. I like this pickup and I think he could be the pickup that's overlooked until he starts scoring shorties like there's no tomorrow.

Darcy Hordichuk - I like this pickup. This guy can hit and brings grit to a pretty soft Canucks team. Also, Hordichuk is awesome because he has his own site. It's got videos of his best hits and fights and all other Hordichukian-stuff. Now, finally Jeff Cowan, the wannabe heavyweight, doesn't have to be the muscle and can get used to being a healthy scratch. No offense, I like Cowan (especially during his odd scoring tear way back)...he's a fighter... but he doesn't seem to ever win a fight...all he does is score once every 40 games or so. That's like hiring Manny Pacquaio to mow your lawn three times a year.

Nolan Baumgartner - Fuck this guy, not good enough offensively or defensively. Why the fuck do we need this blast-from-the-past so called offensive defenseman. My prediction: he gets traded again to the dumbass Flyers who thought he was worth something a couple years back.

Steve Bernier - Good pickup. Young, big, right-handed (perfect for Sedin line), and skilled with loads of potential. Fuck you John Davidson for that offer sheet. Waste our money, ya big baby.

Pavol Demitra - We haven't signed him yet, but rumour has it...we're his first choice. I wouldn't mind having this guy, and I heard the deal is going to be like 3 years for 12 million...which isn't too bad for a potential first line center. The only problem is that the original source of this info is from the infamous Eklund...who is a piece of shit loser that doesn't deserve to be easily linked. Go google him if you care.

That's enough of the NEW blood joining the Canucks. Let's reflect on a couple of key guys that won't be coming back to the Canucks next year...

Brendan Morrison - This guy never seemed to live up to his potential after the fall of the West Coast Express. It may not have been his fault, or anyone's fault, but I really do hope he kicks ass in Anaheim. He's at least a second line center and was one of the best centers on the free agent market. This guy is well-respected here and the only time I won't root for him is when he's against the Canucks.

Markus Naslund - There are haters out there that are angry that he's leaving. I personally don't think some fans appreciated him enough here. He was criticized for not being good enough all the time or "captain-enough"...and he took it all from fans who were too young or too stupid to remember all the times he came through...I have a strong feeling he will flourish in NYR where fans might not be so critical and pretentious. And for those who still respect Naslund, here are two great tribute videos of the one we called Captain:
Video 1
Video 2
Best of Luck, Nazzy. We won't forget you.

Trevor Linden - Trevor Linden is the man. The greatest Canuck and the greatest Captain and the greatest person. A player that was impossible to hate, and will most definitely have his number retired at G.M. Place. For those of you who missed his last game in the NHL where he was given a very special tribute from the fans...here it is. Amazing.

Funniest Asian Rap Ever

Okay, so...the rapping is horrible, the beatboxing is nonexistent, and the lyrics are garbage. But this is the funniest shit I've seen in awhile. I love how the cameraman can hardly contain himself and laughs at the ridiculously bad gangster lingo at the beginning.

So, this is what I understood the lyrics to be:

You look fat, like a cat
Look at your ugly head
I want to hit you with a bat
You suck, like a duck
I want to hit you with a puck
And kick you in the knee
Throw you in the sea
YO!!!...

The description of the video said he was freestyling. So... NO, he's not retarded...

In Time...Future Me and Future You Can Have Superpowers...

I love science and technology for two reasons:
1) The internet
2) Superhuman abilities

Let's begin with A Story of The Future:

So, Future Me spots Future You walking down Granville Street with a six pack of beer and an armoured body suit on that curiously resembles the classic Iron Man's Armour. I think it's the new HAL but I'm not sure so I walk quickly towards you to ask... but before I can ask you anything, you point at my shoulder and ask me why in the world would I ever need to be invisible. I look at the retro-reflectum suit thrown over my shoulder and tell you I got it on Ebay for dirt cheap. Then, I (rather callously) joke about how I'm going use my new suit for voyeuristic pleasures involving your daughter. You get angry, and impulsively react by using your newly upgraded BrainGate Neural Interface System (also from Ebay) to perform telekinesis and smash three bottles of your beer on my head in a matter of two to three seconds. Luckily, as you know, I acquired an extracellular matrix implant, and all the wounds you just opened are healed within five seconds. You're still pissed at my remark so I run for it knowing you're insane when you're angry. You start charging at me with your armoured body suit ...*CLUNK* *CLUNK* *CLUNK*, and any minute now I know you'll be firing your suit's recently upgraded (as shown all over TV) mini-missiles. As of now, I'm pretty sure I'm screwed...unless...unless...I use the implanted nanoglue and climb up that wall like spiderman would...way back in the day. I leap for the big building in front of me and start climbing. Shit. Your super-suit has rocket boosters... but, I still have just one more trick. Right when you're about to bust a missile in my ass, I throw on my retro-reflectum cloak. And just like that...*poof* I'm gone.

Now folks, this isn't far-reaching at all. Sounds a bit like Keyser Soze at the end...but anyway... Read THIS and you'll see that science really is giving normal humans the ability to be SUPERHUMAN...
Iron Man-like body armour
Telekinesis
Regeneration
Invisibility
Spiderman-esque wall-climbing ability
...all of this technology is being worked on right this minute, and it could very well be the status quo in the near future.


ALSO... check out these super-human individuals that are defying what is "normal" with their ability to see with their ears or boil things with their bare hands.

Thank you cracked.com again for creating another awesome article...that's two posts in a row now.