How Your Best Friend Can Help You Get Through THE FIVE STAGES OF GETTING DUMPED | (curiously resembles The Five Stages of Death...)

Getting dumped usually begins after one utters "it's not you, it's me" or "i have too many other obligations" or "i slept with your best friend, and he/she's better than you"...this part varies and depends on the situation and the person dumping you. And we all know that this part is a horrible and cruel event that initiates the changing of some of the best people in the world into annoying, irrational monsters. And the only people that hurt more than this "dump-ee" are the loyal friends that must listen to this person sulk, whine, and eventual drown in their own sorrow. I am the first to admit that sometimes I am a horrible friend...so it's no surprise that the last time I was forced to help a friend after she was dumped, I kept myself amused by ignoring the continous crying and, instead, analyzing the different processes she went through to cope with her situation. From this, I couldn't help but notice that the stages of my friend's break up had an uncanny resemblance to The 5 Stages of Death.

Let me explain...using my (unnamed) friend as an example:
The 5 Stages of Death as taught in school are...

1) DENIAL
2) ANGER
3) BARGAINING
4) DEPRESSION
5) ACCEPTANCE

The 5 stages of Getting Dumped doesn't necessarily follow the same sequence as The 5 Stages of Death, but for the sake of simplicity, I will explain them in this order anyway.

1) DENIAL

Things that the dumpee might say while in this stage:
"Nah, he/she was just having a bad day and didn't mean it, he/she will call me later to apologize"
"You don't know him/her like I do, there must be a reason for this"

Description:
This stage usually follows right after one has been dumped, and is so shocked by this event that they go into a state of complete delusion. It is also the time when one tragically turns into a "dumpee". At this stage, a person will justify why his/her partner just dumped them, usually coming up with the conclusion that their partner was deranged or "out of sync" on this particular day, and didn't mean a word he/she said. Usually the truth is that the "dumper" had wanted to dump them all along, but never could find the courage or the right time to do so. Still, the dumpee will battle against all logic and rationality, and come up with the idea that he/she knows the dumper more than the dumper knows him/herself, and conclude that the dumper will later realize what a big mistake he/she has made and thus ask...nay, BEG, for the dumpee back.

Best Friend's Solution:
Inform the dumpee that they must still assess the situation logically. The dumper most likely dumped the dumpee for a reason that they are fully aware about. Denying the current situation in support of the dumpee will only make the next stage much more intense than it has to be.

2) ANGER

Things that the dumpee might say while in this stage:
"I can't believe I ever loved that bitch/bastard!"
"I hope he/she dies in a car crash"
"I'm going to pop his/her car tires"
"He/She's not going to away with this..."
"Where can I get some dynamite?"

Description:
This is the stage where the dumpee finally begins to feel some self-worth, and thus displaces his/her emotions against her ex through the form of unstoppable anger. Sometimes the anger is irrational, sometimes it is psychotic, and many times it is dangerous for anyone in visible sight. However, this stage can vary from anger expressed through words (which is the safest) or it can lead to hexes and/or *gasp* serious violence. Beware of the dumpee in the Anger stage, he/she will say things or do things they don't mean, and if you have the guts to stand up to an Anger-level dumpee, may God be with you.

Best Friend's Solution:
Sacrifice. Stick it through and let your dumpee friend possibly tear you to shreds, because you know they don't mean. Tag along with their "revenge expeditions" but prevent them from doing anything that's considered over-the-line (your discretion, but you should probably stop them before they burn the ex's apartment down). Lastly, be prepared to feel angry too while dealing with a friend in this stage...because their anger may be very contagious...or because they may be purposely jabbing you with verbal low-blows...they enjoy it when someone feels just as shitty as they do.

3) BARGAINING

Things that the dumpee might say while in this stage:
"Maybe he/she will take me back if I just give him/her what he/she wants"
(to the dumper) "I'll do anything, just give me a another chance!"
(to the dumper) "You don't understand, I've changed!"

Description:
I like to also call this the Pathetic Stage. This stage, to me, is the worst because witnessing people so clouded by their own desperation is repulsive and depressing. The Denial Stage is one thing, but at least the dumpee's in that stage don't feign an epiphany in order to get their ex's back. This stage is all about believing you can morph into an exact replica of what your ex wants - which is not possible. You are who you are, and any change you make to suit your partner will be forced, and like a stretched elastic, you will only be most comfortable when you're not being pulled to be different. I admit people can change, but it won't happen while they're in this desperate stage. The irrational logic people possess at this stage compare to that of a baby's, and what's worse is that it usually includes lots of pathetic begging.

Best Friend's Solution:
Instill similar logic to that of what was explained for the Denial Stage. The dumpee is still in a state of denial, only it's worse because they will be actively pursuing a confrontation with the ex and their plan is to mirror that love story movie they watched last week. This is a confrontation you must stop. How? well, first you ask the dumpee whether or not they mean what they're going to say to their ex...like, will they really change? Will they do all the things they promise? Inform them that they must be honest with themselves in order to ensure they're not just being driven by desperate emotions. Secondly, ask them whether or not they even really want to change. Like, say they actually believe that they have the ability to change, do they even want to? Maybe there's someone out there that likes them for who they are already, and changing really isn't necessary. Lastly, remind them how difficult it was to be in the relationship, with all the unrealistic expectations. Do they really want to change just to be in all that again?

4) DEPRESSION

Things that the dumpee might say while in this stage:
"Well, that's it. That was the one and I messed it up."
"I can't sleep, I can't do work, I can't enjoy life. What am I supposed to do now?"
"If only I was just better with _________"
"I miss the way he/she smells"
"I'm lonely"
*Sigh*
*Sob*

Description:
Much like the Anger Stage, the dumpee's depression in this stage is contagious. Be wary of the self-accusations the dumpee utters, you may see some of the faults in yourself. A good chunk of this stage is spent sitting in a couch or lying in bed with unshaved faces (guys) or unshaved legs (girls) and dozens of take-out food containers scattered throughout the room. Girls enjoy engrossing themselves in romantic comedy movies and tubs of Haagen Daz ice cream in this stage, while guys like to play video games until their eyes bleed, while eating a whole lot of pizza and beer. Either way, it's not a pretty sight. However, of course, there are exceptions. Some guys and girls deal with a dumping as healthily as they can. They get up depressed, but they prop up quickly with a purpose, and they hide the fact that they're upset and go about their daily lives as if it's any other day. But no matter how much they feign their happiness, there is always that one moment when everything around them seems to stop, and a jolt of depression hits them like a shot to the heart, and the rest of the day is ruined. It's important for dumpees in this stage to keep active and stay away from routines that will keep them prisoner for extensive periods of time.

Best Friend's Solution:
Be around the dumpee as much as possible. Be light-hearted, but not too light-hearted as to piss them off with your happiness and jokes. Ensure they do not fall into couch-mode. Ensure that they are active. Always listen to their depressing phone calls and be there for them. Always remind them that it will get better with time, no matter how much they respond "I know, I know". Make them laugh. Give them your point of view on the matter while being honest and caring. This is a sensitive stage because they are vulnerable and much more open to your opinions than the previous stages. Push too hard and you may push them to another stage - possibly Anger or Bargaining, where it is much tougher for you to get through to them.

5) ACCEPTANCE

Things that the dumpee might say while in this stage:
"I'm feeling better now. I'm doing okay"
"I'm actually glad that he/she is out of my life"
"Whatever, forget him/her."

Description:
This is the final stage of a dumpee's tenure. The stage in which the dumpee graduates from dumpee college and transforms back into a regular being in society. No more "what if's", no more "I hate's", and no more creating ass grooves on the couch. All that's left is the awful, painful, and liberating truth. The dumpee has accepted what has happened, and is finally able to move on...however, he/she is not yet necessarily ready for another relationship, but he/she is well on his/her way. A lot of thanking of friends occurs in this stage, as well as a minor epiphany in which they look back and shake their head at how silly their actions were in the previous four stages. If there was another relationship started from before this stage, (most likely a "rebound guy/girl" that derived from the Anger Stage) the relationship with this rebound guy/girl ends at this stage when it is realized that the feelings for this person were not really true feelings (this part depends on the individual though, of course). All is lost and all is gained in this stage, as the graduated dumpee finally can start with a new slate.

Best Friend's Solution:
No solution needed. Just congratulate your friend on getting through it. Maybe throw in a few "I told you so's" for good measure.

My review for Ion ran...

You can check it out at the Ion Magazine site. Click the "Download PDF" button on the top right and you can see the print version of the magazine online. My review is on page 46. Proud moment. ;)

VIFF Coverage 2008

So, I'm doing some coverage on some movies assigned to me at the VIFF's. Here is where you can find all the reviews off of Schema Magazine.

The movies I have covered so far with reviews on the site are...
"Tropical Manila"
"Orz Boys"
"Sell Out!"
"Crossing"
"Charly"
"Where are their Stories?"

Of all of them, "Orz Boys" and "Crossing" were the two best movies.
"Where are Their Stories?" is a distant, very distant, last place. I was pretty mean in my review about that movie.

Some of the reviews were rushed and weren't really edited, so expect to see some weird mistakes.

High Heels For Babies

This is just wrong.

Now girls will start feeling the pressure of mothers living vicariously through them when they're merely toddlers.



via Radar

Funniest Thread Ever

Check it out HERE.

Music Review

This is a CD review I wrote recently for Ion Magazine, before I had to shorten it for their liking.

"The Cool Kids" - Bake Sale EP

Brain teaser: What's the only negative outcome of mixing retro-cool content, sardonic lyrics, and crisp beats into a short thirty minute EP? Answer: An album primer that convinces fully grown men in beat up sedans to start flossin' during morning traffic hour. With an opening track soaked with a well-deserved swagger accompanied by a self-produced beat worthy of carrying a whole album on its own (although it's not needed to), the aptly named Cool Kids give listeners a taste of why they are being hailed as the new prodigies of hip hop. The Chicago duo, comprised of Mikey Rocks and Chuck Inglish, stray away from the usual content heard from today's self-aggrandizing gangsta rappers – drugs, bitches, hoes, guns – and instead focus on the things they know about: Dyno BMX's, Sega, fruity pebbles etc. Their lyrical content is intentionally light and comical, but doesn't hesitate to deliver head-nodding messages within their simple rhymes as shown in “A Little Bit Cooler”. But, to be blunt, it's not in their lyrics, but in the meticulous production that gives Bake Sale its undeniable respect. The EP delivers some of the sickest synthesized beats consisting of catchy (as well as seemingly impossible) drum patterns and brings a welcome breath of fresh air into the, currently, stale world of hip hop. The infectious beats have just the right touch of old school to make you reminisce of the better times in hip hop. Fortunately, their much-anticipated full-length LP will be arriving very soon...so while you spend your time waiting and repeating the purposefully tongue-in-cheek schoolyard rhyming in Bake Sale, please refrain from salivating at the mouth...your needs will be met soon when this talented duo flies in on their Black Mags to restore hip hop's former glory.

New Posts

Recent Schema Magazine Posts:

Smart Goggles

English-Only LPGA

New post

Today's Weird Asia News Post written by me...after my editor fixed it up.

From Now On...

I'll be linking posts that I've written and have been published for Schema Magazine or Weird Asia News.

Here are a few of my older posts for Schema Magazine:
Keep in mind that these are edited before they are published, so if the language/style used doesn't seem like something i would normally use, then it probably wasn't by me.

Butler's Cafe

Pet Boys

EMA

Prodigy Guitarist

I Know It's Wrong But...

It's just too funny to pass up.

Thanks Nick Yu for sending this over

It's True...Men Will Stick Their Penis Anywhere That Fits

Ever walk around the park and wonder if humping that super seductive steel bench will fulfill your day? Well, Xing, a 41 year-old man, certainly did believe that the feeling of cold steel against his member was just what he needed. Who can blame him though, really? It was a quiet night in Hong Kong, quite dark, people were sleeping, everybody does something pretty creepy once in a while.

It's just really too bad for Xing, because he got aroused by all the dangers involved in this villainous act and his dick got stuck, then it swelled up, and by then he had no choice but to call the authorities.
What an extremely awkward phone call that must've been.

"Help! My penis is stuck!"
"Where are you located, sir?"
"Lan Tian park"
"Where is it stuck? I mean, what is it stuck in."
"A bench"
"A bench? Did you try to fuck a bench, sir. Or, were you doing nude push-ups"
"Uh...The second one"

After the phone call, the police arrived, and they tried basically everything to liberate this man from the steel fist of the bench. They eventually had to saw the whole damn bench off and bring the man-perv to the hospital. Four hours later, Xing, now officially known as Dick-In-A-Bench guy (Timberlake-esque), had his penis back and vows that his hand will be the only thing touching his dong for the next three years.

Now, because of men like Xing, there will be labels on public benches that read: "CAUTION: No, Do NOT Stick Your Dick in these Holes...Pervert"

Check out the painful video of the incident below:
Warning: Lots of moaning and some blood in the video.


Official News Coverage HERE

Blog Writing Hiatus

I'll be back in 2 weeks.

Pizza Employee Robbed By Her Own Father | Will Need Kids Help Phone Line

Stephanie Martinez has an odd family. Either her parents have no idea where her daughter works, or they just don't really like her. Last week, Stephanie was working her shift at a local Pizza parlour in Denton when a man with a wig and sunglasses came into the joint and tried to rob the place. Fortunately, as displayed in the video below, her coworker beat the crap out of her dad when she was about to hand him the money. The coworker knocked out the daddy/robber and the wig/sunglasses disguise fell off his face prompting Stephanie to yell "Stop! That's my dad!"

Police have reason to believe that Stephanie had no idea that her father, Benjamin "RobMyDaughter" Ramirez, was going to come to the place that night... and hence she couldn't have been in on the robbery. I beg to differ. But, it's just a hunch. Like, I think if her daddy was gonna rob her joint, he would warn her ahead of time...but who knows, that's just me.

More via DallasNews

Check out the video below of the coworker knocking out the Father of the Year

DMX Arrested For Identity Theft | What's His Real Name Anyway?

No, he didn't pretend to be a dog.

DMX, the rapper famous for his barking noises and not very good music, used the fake name "Troy Jones" and a fake social security number when he checked into an Arizona hospital. He failed to pay for a $7,500 medical bill and hence he was tracked down and arrested in Phoenix.

His real name is Earl Simmons if you're wondering. That so doesn't fit him. He should stick with DMX.

More via UPI

The iGiveUp | Handgun Bluetooth Headset is Stupid

So, the idea of this bluetooth headset is to let you answer your phone calls by pulling a trigger when aiming a gun at your head. I don't know about you, but I'm probably not gonna carry a toy gun around and there's even less chance of me aiming it at my head when I'm on the bus with people staring at me just hoping I go through with it. Then of course, there are the legalities involved with carrying a toy gun in public, which I don't really know about but I don't want to get arrested for suspicious activity or something.

Regardless of all these flaws, people still want to get this thing. I don't get it. Who the hell wants to use this in public? It's funny for about 1.2 seconds then you realize what a stupid idea it is to be pointing a gun at your ear to answer a call.

More via Geekologie

Watch this video of people showing off the iGiveUp to people lining up for the iPhone

The Joker Scares the Shit Out of Me | Does Heath Ledger Deserve An Oscar? *SPOILERS*

So I watched The Dark Knight a couple nights ago...a day after opening night. Yes, I waited in line for an hour and bought the tickets a day before and lined up behind a bunch of over-weight, popcorn guzzling comic book nerds that feel they know Batman in person. It was a pain. And I know many of you have not seen it yet, but I don't care...I'm gonna write about it anyway.

Some people have made ridiculous claims that Heath Ledger is only getting oscar votes because of his tragic death half a year ago. I've even heard some people claim that Heath Ledger faked his death as a publicity stunt. Jesus, everyone's so skeptical these days. I say to all those people...please watch the movie first before you judge and make pretentious statements. If Heath's being considered for an oscar, it's because he now made The Joker the last person in the world I want to meet.

I, for one, was against all the hype of The Dark Knight because of all the people that assumed this was a good movie before they even saw it. I wanted to see it because Batman Begins, the prequel, was amazing and a sequel with The Joker was only going to make it more interesting. Anyways, I'm just going to say it now...Heath definitely deserves an Oscar for this movie, and I'm pretty sure he's going to win. He sizzled every time he was on screen and he made me squirm in my seat every time he spoke in that psychotic voice. His voice was just so twisted and the way he constantly licked his lips just gave me the impression that Heath was legitimately insane. It was chilling, but I wanted more. I wanted more psycho Heath. I thought about it for awhile and I know he deserves an oscar, and it's not just because he died half a year ago. If you just see him on screen, he's so twisted, so dark, so eerie...it's nothing like Heath. The Knight's Tale Heath or even the Brokeback Mountain Heath don't even compare to how far he had to reach to encompass the essence of The Joker. The whole movie, I didn't even process that Heath Ledger was playing The Joker, it's not even Heath at all. I swear to God, I saw evil in him.

Wait, I just lied, there was ONE moment in which I processed The Joker was Heath Ledger. It's the moment where he fires a rocket during the car chase and the recoil flings his hair in front of him...and I processed, just for that moment, that Joker was played by that guy from A Knight's Tale. But it's okay, it was just one moment.

Now, I still gotta give a shout out to The Joker's makeup crew and the movie's writers...especially the writers (they're always forgotten) who created this character...because although Heath acted it out...it's the writers that gave him the incredibly sick dialogue that will stick with me in my nightmares.
My nightmares, oh god...I can see it now...The Joker's maniacal laugh echoes throughout the room as he slowly slices my mouth open with a blade. Then, he'll grab the sides of my head before I topple over and stare into my drowsy eyes...tilting his head slightly to the left and smiling from cheek to cheek with his scarred face...and then he'll whisper to me...

"why so serious?"

The Most Awesomest Invention Ever | The Bubble Wrap Calendar

GET A FREAKING BUBBLE CALENDAR
In my opinion, whoever thought up of this idea is a genius. Everytime I look at one of those poor, innocent, and over-inflated bubbles I just want to pop it and put it out of its misery. Now, I know doing this daily will be a problem for the many people out there that have that same sense of bubble-popping justice as I do...but that's what the package deals are for!...so if you let loose on one calendar you can still have 9 more! Supposedly, if you contact them they will give you a good package deal to satisfy all your OCD needs.

Oh, btw, these calendars are ridiculously expensive.

For those of you who don't mind virtually relieving these bubbles, go HERE and let loose

Guy Sings like A Woman | He Does It Well

Remember Disney's Aladdin? Remember that beautiful song where Aladdin brings Jasmine on that super duper magical carpet ride and serenades her? It's like...after the part where he asks her "Do you trust me?" and she gives that creepy/sexy/evil look and takes his hand...do you remember? Well, yeah...this guy has a video...and he sings that "A Whole New World" song in it...he does it quite well...and yes...he even sings Jasmine's lines. It's hilarious how he shifts into Jasmine's voice, it's slightly unexpected when you first see it. Except, now that I've warned you...whatever...just check it out below.


Also, you should try not looking at your screen and listening to him sing Jasmine's part, I swear to God you'll think it's a girl singing.

Thanks Simon for sending me this link

"Dr. Horrible" | Neil Patrick Harris Stars in Miniseries

So, there's a hilarious miniseries found at http://www.drhorrible.com/ in which Neil Patrick Harris (aka Barney from How I Met Your Mother or boy genius from Dougie Houser) stars as the evil villain, Dr. Horrible. The basic premise of the story is that this "villain" played by NPH is helplessly in love with a girl that goes to his laundromat...and in turn this girl distracts him from doing "evil things" and achieving his ultimate goal of being part of a special league of evil villains. It's a funny miniseries with a great twist since your sympathy goes out to the villain, while the supposed hero (Dr. Horrible's nemesis) is a jackass. Oh yeah, did I mention this is a musical?

Also, one more thing, I forgot to mention that this free streaming is only available for a short period of time so watch it NOW!! And read the "Master Plan" to find out how this special show came about.

The Story of Christian, The Lion | Caution: You May Tear With Joy and Happiness

IF YOU DO NOT FEEL WARM AND CUDDLY AFTER READING ABOUT THIS STORY AND WATCHING THE VIDEO, YOU ARE A ROBOT.

Here's the story:

In 1969, A pair of Austrailian roomates, John Rendall and Anthony Bourke, decided one day to purchase a lion cub from a department store for god knows what. The lion cub, named Christian, soon became their best friend and lived with them until he became too large and unmanageable for their apartment. It was decided that it was best for them to let Christian go to live in the wild (à la The Fox and the Hound) and hope, with a little help, that he can adapt to the environment. Eventually, Christian adapted very well to the wild and became the head of his pride. About a year after being released into his new habitat, Rendall and Bourke decided that they should visit Christian one more time, just to have a final goodbye. They were told that Christian would, sadly, probably not remember them after adapting to his new home. The persistent roomates refused to listen, and visited anyway. This is a video clip of their reunion.


See, you're tearing now, right? If you're not, get out you soulless bastard.

Anyway, I now realize the futility in me posting the story up before the video, since the video tells you the parts of the story you need to know already. Oh well.

Oh, also, the truly amazing thing about this story is that Christian had not been spotted near that campsite for nine months... however, on the eve before Rendall and Bourke's visit, he arrived on the scene and waited with his family on a rock nearby, as though he was waiting for their arrival. Incredible.

For the full, incredible story...read THIS
And for a more comprehensive video, watch THIS

How to Make a Racist Toy

CHOP SUEY SPECS, as they're called.

Originally sold in the 1960's. What a really freaking racist toy. haha...but it's hard not to laugh.

Oh btw, if this toy really does "fool your friends" into thinking you're chinese if/when you're really not, then you need to get new (smarter) friends.

Kanye West has a Blog? Yes, and he goes NUTS on it

I didn't know Kanye West had a blog. I assumed his writing wouldn't be so great since...yaknow...sometimes his lyrics sucks. But still, I respect the man because he's a good entertainer with some good beats and a smart businessman. Anyways, at first I didn't think the blog was really written by him and it was only used for marketing purposes...but after reading this very angry and passionate post...I was convinced it was him. He types in full caps for a good 200 words about his Bonnaroo concert and the reason why he showed up late...stage crew difficulties he says...and he's pissed about how people are hating on him for not giving his all in a performance. Here's a segment from the angry post:

"NEVER SAY I DIDN'T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I'M FLYING! I'M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, "KANYE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE." CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ?????????"

Look at all those question marks! So angry, so confused...he's flying guys...cmon...don't shoot him down...

Anyways back to the story...There seems to be some controversy because (this is where it gets interesting) this guy claims that Kanye was smoking weed with him before the performance and was late heading out onto stage because of it. What to believe!?

Well, what I think is that both are telling the truth but I don't think that the weed is the full reason to why Kanye was late. It was probably mostly the staging problems but the weed didn't help. Either way, it really doesn't matter that much. I just thought it was cool that Kanye West had a blog.

Check out the full angry Kanye West post HERE.

How to Freak the Shit Out of...Everybody | "The Ultimate Yard Protection"

Sick of putting up cameras to track who treads your territory in the middle of the night? Irritated by those pesky kids who stamp all over your flowers whenever they kick their soccer ball over your fence? Well then the Garden Zombie is perfect for you...because it will literally scare the shit of anybody that walks on your land.

Side effects of this, The Ultimate Yard Protection:
- You may receive calls from the cops who are suspicious as to why you have a corpse emerging from your garden
- Zombie enthusiasts may believe that your garden is "just the beginning" and will come knocking at your door pleading you to re-bury that dead body
- Your children may run away from home
- Your friends may not want to be your friends anymore

More via Nerd Approved

Check out other odd garden decorations HERE

Super Mario Brothers | The "CHUCK NORRIS" Way

Chuck Norris jokes are always stupid and lame but yet at the same time, for some reason, are always hilarious. And now, there is a Chuck Norris game out there that is so ridiculous, so stupid and lame, but also, for some reason, you just have to play it. Check out the video of the game below.

SUPER CHUCK NORRIS BROS.

To download this uber game, go HERE

UPDATE:
I just downloaded and played this game (don't judge me) and I realized that Chuck Norris can't die in this game. Like, he's invincible...those evil mushrooms can't hurt him and there's no health bar. How fitting.

This Shit Will Get You High

So, supposedly, drug addicts in poor south east Asian countries are trying to get stoned by inhaling the vapours of their own poop.

Me: Hey, let's get high.
You: Yeah, I got some good shit. Smell this.
Me: That's nasty, that's shit in your hands.
You: Yeah, it's good shit.
Me: No, that's literally a piece of shit, put it away.

More on this via Morningstarr

THIS JUST IN... GOKU IS WHITE | The New Dragon Ball Z Movie

Wtf Wtf Wtf Wtf Wtf.

I grew up watching Dragon Ball Z. Many people from my generation did. And many of these loyal fans were led to believe that the lead character, Goku, was of asian descent (or at least looked it, because technically he's an alien, but that's too complicated to explain). Anyways, according to the new live action DBZ movie, we were wrong. Apparently, Goku is white. And Justin Chatwin will portray his character. Now, somebody tell me why on earth can't this crew of asians (Director James Wong, Producer Stephen Chow) just say "fuck the money" and put in an asian as the lead role as it should be? Maybe they can sleep better at night if they do so. In my opinion this movie will lose money anyways seeing as though the lead actor is a white boy...and all the loyal asian fans that would have wanted to see this live action DBZ movie would now throw it aside while mumbling "pff" under the breath. Now, don't call me a hypocrite because I don't want a white guy playing an asian character, I'm just playing this fair. If the original manga casted Goku as a character of caucasian descent, then fine...just like I'm fine with all the other Hollywood movies filled with Caucasians as the lead roles. I'm just saying, some movies have already pushed the Asians into backup roles when they shouldn't have... and I'm sick of seeing it. Like, honestly, are people of races other than asians going to squint at the screen and refuse to pay money just because an asian is playing the lead role in a movie that is based on a Japanese manga? If so, they are racist, and if I ever have the opportunity of creating a movie, there's no way I'm catering to racists.

Hancock | I Only Saw Half of A Movie...

Oh...it was so close. The first hour is so good...almost great, mainly because Will Smith is so very charasmatic. The premise of this story is also very original and almost brilliant. Jason Bateman is flawless, and hilarious whenever he's on screen. But...man...seriously the last half of this movie (after that very confusing and very horrible plot twist) was just garbage. Like COME ON! Even after the disappointing twist I was hoping the movie would turn it around and give us a satisfying ending. Or, at the very least, tell us what in the world was going on! Ugh. Give me half my money back.

Just had to throw this in...

Other than the weird first 25 seconds...this video was very entertaining...and I still can't figure out why...

NHL Report | "I DON'T WANT MATS SUNDIN" says this Canucks fan

There have been a whole lot of signings since free agency opened on July 1st, but I'm only gonna talk about what the Canucks did, because I don't really care about any other team. Lets start with the big news first...

MATS SUNDIN - Now, I know this old bastard hasn't signed with the Canucks yet even after being offered 10 million a year (which would make him the highest paid player in the NHL) but I think it's ridiculous he's even being offered that much money. And so far, it doesn't even look like he wants to play here, so it's been a huge slap in the face to the Canucks who threw all that money at him. He's said time and time again he's loyal to the leafs and wants to be a leaf for life. I, for one, don't want someone thats loyal to any other team other than my own...especially if the team he's loyal to is the goddamn leafs. (fuck the leafs) And lets get back to the money...10 million...are you serious? 10 million!? that's almost 2 million more than the phenom Crosby is making...that's just ridiculous. Sundin, stay in Toronto, we don't want you here.

Ryan Johnson - Good third line guy with speed and the potential to score because of it. I like this pickup and I think he could be the pickup that's overlooked until he starts scoring shorties like there's no tomorrow.

Darcy Hordichuk - I like this pickup. This guy can hit and brings grit to a pretty soft Canucks team. Also, Hordichuk is awesome because he has his own site. It's got videos of his best hits and fights and all other Hordichukian-stuff. Now, finally Jeff Cowan, the wannabe heavyweight, doesn't have to be the muscle and can get used to being a healthy scratch. No offense, I like Cowan (especially during his odd scoring tear way back)...he's a fighter... but he doesn't seem to ever win a fight...all he does is score once every 40 games or so. That's like hiring Manny Pacquaio to mow your lawn three times a year.

Nolan Baumgartner - Fuck this guy, not good enough offensively or defensively. Why the fuck do we need this blast-from-the-past so called offensive defenseman. My prediction: he gets traded again to the dumbass Flyers who thought he was worth something a couple years back.

Steve Bernier - Good pickup. Young, big, right-handed (perfect for Sedin line), and skilled with loads of potential. Fuck you John Davidson for that offer sheet. Waste our money, ya big baby.

Pavol Demitra - We haven't signed him yet, but rumour has it...we're his first choice. I wouldn't mind having this guy, and I heard the deal is going to be like 3 years for 12 million...which isn't too bad for a potential first line center. The only problem is that the original source of this info is from the infamous Eklund...who is a piece of shit loser that doesn't deserve to be easily linked. Go google him if you care.

That's enough of the NEW blood joining the Canucks. Let's reflect on a couple of key guys that won't be coming back to the Canucks next year...

Brendan Morrison - This guy never seemed to live up to his potential after the fall of the West Coast Express. It may not have been his fault, or anyone's fault, but I really do hope he kicks ass in Anaheim. He's at least a second line center and was one of the best centers on the free agent market. This guy is well-respected here and the only time I won't root for him is when he's against the Canucks.

Markus Naslund - There are haters out there that are angry that he's leaving. I personally don't think some fans appreciated him enough here. He was criticized for not being good enough all the time or "captain-enough"...and he took it all from fans who were too young or too stupid to remember all the times he came through...I have a strong feeling he will flourish in NYR where fans might not be so critical and pretentious. And for those who still respect Naslund, here are two great tribute videos of the one we called Captain:
Video 1
Video 2
Best of Luck, Nazzy. We won't forget you.

Trevor Linden - Trevor Linden is the man. The greatest Canuck and the greatest Captain and the greatest person. A player that was impossible to hate, and will most definitely have his number retired at G.M. Place. For those of you who missed his last game in the NHL where he was given a very special tribute from the fans...here it is. Amazing.

Funniest Asian Rap Ever

Okay, so...the rapping is horrible, the beatboxing is nonexistent, and the lyrics are garbage. But this is the funniest shit I've seen in awhile. I love how the cameraman can hardly contain himself and laughs at the ridiculously bad gangster lingo at the beginning.

So, this is what I understood the lyrics to be:

You look fat, like a cat
Look at your ugly head
I want to hit you with a bat
You suck, like a duck
I want to hit you with a puck
And kick you in the knee
Throw you in the sea
YO!!!...

The description of the video said he was freestyling. So... NO, he's not retarded...

In Time...Future Me and Future You Can Have Superpowers...

I love science and technology for two reasons:
1) The internet
2) Superhuman abilities

Let's begin with A Story of The Future:

So, Future Me spots Future You walking down Granville Street with a six pack of beer and an armoured body suit on that curiously resembles the classic Iron Man's Armour. I think it's the new HAL but I'm not sure so I walk quickly towards you to ask... but before I can ask you anything, you point at my shoulder and ask me why in the world would I ever need to be invisible. I look at the retro-reflectum suit thrown over my shoulder and tell you I got it on Ebay for dirt cheap. Then, I (rather callously) joke about how I'm going use my new suit for voyeuristic pleasures involving your daughter. You get angry, and impulsively react by using your newly upgraded BrainGate Neural Interface System (also from Ebay) to perform telekinesis and smash three bottles of your beer on my head in a matter of two to three seconds. Luckily, as you know, I acquired an extracellular matrix implant, and all the wounds you just opened are healed within five seconds. You're still pissed at my remark so I run for it knowing you're insane when you're angry. You start charging at me with your armoured body suit ...*CLUNK* *CLUNK* *CLUNK*, and any minute now I know you'll be firing your suit's recently upgraded (as shown all over TV) mini-missiles. As of now, I'm pretty sure I'm screwed...unless...unless...I use the implanted nanoglue and climb up that wall like spiderman would...way back in the day. I leap for the big building in front of me and start climbing. Shit. Your super-suit has rocket boosters... but, I still have just one more trick. Right when you're about to bust a missile in my ass, I throw on my retro-reflectum cloak. And just like that...*poof* I'm gone.

Now folks, this isn't far-reaching at all. Sounds a bit like Keyser Soze at the end...but anyway... Read THIS and you'll see that science really is giving normal humans the ability to be SUPERHUMAN...
Iron Man-like body armour
Telekinesis
Regeneration
Invisibility
Spiderman-esque wall-climbing ability
...all of this technology is being worked on right this minute, and it could very well be the status quo in the near future.


ALSO... check out these super-human individuals that are defying what is "normal" with their ability to see with their ears or boil things with their bare hands.

Thank you cracked.com again for creating another awesome article...that's two posts in a row now.

The Disgusting and Creepy Future of Advertising

So you're at the club, you're squinting your eyes to peer across the room to get a good look at the "hot chick" that all your drunk friends are talking way too loudly about. You get a good look, they're right, she's really hot...but you figure, that's a just eye-candy that you'll never get a taste of. However, your drunk friends push you to go and talk to her or at least buy her a drink. So, before you have time to say no, three of your drunk and obnoxious friends are dragging you across the dance floor through walls of annoyed people to talk to her. You arrive at the allocated destination and you wave awkwardly at her and manage to mumble out of your shaking mouth:

"Uh...hi"

The super-hot-way-out-of-your-league chick gives you a funny look which (fortunately) fades into a smile and she responds nonetheless:

"Hi"

Now you're thinking "omg she said hi to me and smiled". All of a sudden you feel like you could teach "how to mac on hot chics 101" and you turn on your sexy-man voice and drop your best one-liners at her. Soon enough, you've got her laughing at all your jokes and giggling at all your actions. Your friends are in dismay, and they awe at your presence. She tells you she wants you to take a picture with her on her camera. She pulls out her impressive new SONY camera and tells you to hold it up to take the picture because she claims you have much longer (not to mention, stronger) arms. *SNAP* you take the picture, and just as you're handing it back to her she tells you how that camera was a birthday present from her dad and it's been the best gift she's gotten since that pony in grade five. You give the camera a double take... and realize that...damn...that really is a nice camera...so, super-hot-way-out-of-your-league chick, tell me more about it. And NOW...they got you. Turns out this girl knows a whole lot about this camera and starts telling you great stories about her adventures with it and all the wonderful things it can do. But one thing she never tells you is that she's an undercover marketing agent for SONY...and you just got played by people who made you think you were Mr.MacDaddy. And, this isn't fiction, it's happening right now, right in your favourite club (PLUSH, ATLANTIS, 686, THE ROYAL, CAPRIS, WILD COYOTE)...and it might've already happened to you. PLUS, this is only 1 of 5 different techniques of advertising that corporations will be using consistently in the future. So, right now, you look up at the image for this post and you think that that's advertising at it's best..."hot girl with a VAIO computer...I want it because sex sells". Sure, it's a very successful form of advertising, but it's not even close to what's the most effective. Don't believe me? read THIS and find out what the disgusting and creepy future of advertising is going to be like.

Get a Life...Literally...Buy It from Ian Usher

It's crazy the stuff you can get off Ebay these days, but none of the used socks and empty cardboard boxes come remotely close to what 44-year-old Ian Usher is offering. If you ever were to meander across Alife4sale.com, you would know that I aint joking. The name of the site kinda gives it away already, and it's kinda too shocking to actually believe - But, believe it or not, Ian Usher is auctioning his LIFE online. Why? well, to keep a long story short, girl troubles (he's got more than 99 problems...hehe...lame, i know). Either way, for the right price, some lucky (and slightly pathetic) soul can have Mr. Usher's house, car, motorbike, job, friends, and everything else that he owns. Now, I know what you're thinking, who in their right mind would want to buy someone else's life - it's degrading, expensive, pathetic, and... WELL YOU'RE WRONG MY FRIEND...the highest bid is a fraction away from $400,000 AU (which is around $390,000 CDN) and it doesn't end for another...oh...18 hours? So...seriously...go check it out...and maybe, get a life.

Read the who's, what's, when's, where's, why's, and how's HERE

Oscars are BORING | Watch MTV Movie Awards

This past february I watched the Oscars, which sucked. I found myself flipping through a magazine after about 15 minutes of this overrated annual event. The sketches are corny and the event is just too formal and too unappealing. I guess i'm not the target audience, being a 20 year old movie fanatic. Either way, the 2008 MTV MOVIE AWARDS hosted by Mike Myers less than a month ago were incredibly entertaining even though I didn't fully agree with all the final decisions (but that's not the point). Watch the full event HERE. The crowd gave a standing ovation when the Wayne's World set appeared on stage. Golden, love you Mike Myers. The Love Guru looks stupid though.

NHL REPORT | The Vancouver Canucks acquire Wellwood in an attempt to create The Shortest Second-Rate Scoring Unit...

The Vancouver Canucks "proudly" claimed Kyle Wellwood off of waivers yesterday in an attempt to create their highly anticipated and innovative "SSRS-UNIT".

"It's a great new idea. I'm very excited" mumbles Mike Gillis, the new GM of the Canucks.

Gillis, and the rest of the not-so-bright executives (Francesco Aquilini) believe that a "new and improved" Kyle Wellwood would fit right into their plans for the future. Kyle Wellwood, known for his laziness, diminutive hockey sense, and recently, his questionable attitude, is going to be placed on a line with Ryan Shannon to create 2/3 of a lethal and feared line called the "Shortest Second-Rate Scoring Unit" (SSRS-UNIT) in which opponents will be afraid to throw hard bodychecks because Gary Bettman WILL BE ON THEIR ASS after these small hockey players get hurt. Gillis, and the rest of the not-so-bright executives believe that a line combination with 3 players all 5'10 and under (Wellwood, 5'10, Shannon 5'9) will help pave the way for the new NHL, where speed and agility are more important than size and work ethic.

"Believe me, this unit will be the new NHL's "Legion of Doom"" Gillis claims.

Wellwood, 25, has proven to be a wave of potential for the Canucks with his unwillingness to get in shape and ability to get injured often because of it. Gillis, hired by Aquilini for his innovative perception of the new NHL with ideas like the "SSRS-UNIT", actually believed that Dave Nonis' original plan on rebuilding the Canucks involved lazy, no-good, puck-hog players like Wellwood. Only, Gillis states, he is a better candidate than Nonis because while Nonis had the RIGHT IDEA with rebuilding the franchise with goalies like Roberto Luongo, Nonis never picked up a piece of garbage player like Wellwood that would fit right into Alain Vigneault's "hard-work-pays-off" coaching style. Gillis believes this is the beginning of something big with the claiming of Wellwood off waivers. When asked whether he was going to pursue all-star Martin St. Louis next to complete the line, Gillis replied "No, he's too good"

Good luck next year, Canucks.

By the way, i'm joking...this whole "article" is not real nor is it in any way meant to be taken too seriously. It is exaggerated, but I do stand by my perception that Kyle Wellwood is lazy and won't do much to help the Canucks. And, I don't like him. He better prove me wrong. Plus, I like Nonis more than Gillis, and I believe Aquilini's decision to fire Nonis was unjustified. As of now, i'm not happy. We'll just have to see.

Dancing Around the World with Matthew Harding

Matthew Harding is a bad dancer. In fact, he's a horrible dancer. So how come this guy gets to dance in 42 different countries around the world with thousands and thousands of other people for FREE?

Well, it's long and complicated reason...so just read his story and all about his travels HERE, but, before that, watch this inspiring video he made about his journey...

(note at 3:30, he dances in my hometown, Vancouver, booyah)

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER AT THE OFFICE...

Don't you just hate it when you get up late for work, throw your pre-made lunch into your bag and drive very dangerously to work just arriving at 9am, only to realize at 12pm that you forgot your damn fork!? Yeah, me neither, I'm awesome, so I never forget my fork.
Either way, this innovative (and eco-friendly) pen/knife/fork/spoon isn't disposable like the cheap plastic stuff you would usually bring, and it uses the caps of regular pens as the head of the utensil. Check out the article regarding this office life-saver.

Also, check out this Self-Stirring Coffee Mug, which, according to the article, is already sold out.

The world is just getting lazier and lazier.

I BELIEVE...

1. that IF you STILL don't know what you want to order after waiting FIFTEEN MINUTES in a starbucks lineup you should be forced (by law) to buy coffee for the agitated (and forcefully compliant) person behind you.

2. that any girl under 16 years old should NOT have the freedom to wear skirts that rise above their knees. Gross.

3. that JAPADOGS are amazing and anyone who doesn't like them is racist/snobby. (Just kidding...kind of)

On to a lighter note...

MAC VS. PC COMMERCIALS...WITH A SOUTH PARK TWIST...

Check out this hilarious parody of the Mac vs. PC Commercials using South Park characters.


Find the sequel (with linux!) to this commercial parody HERE

Also, check out this application that lets you create your own South Park Character!

VIDS VIDS VIDS...

I am a YOUTUBER with a specific tastes. Videos with quality deadpan humour and ridiculously stupid humour make me laugh. These are some FUNNY videos that I think fit that quality.

Oh by the way, I apologize in advance if this absorbs you into a 5 hour long Youtube Frenzy where you watch video after video until you realize the sun is rising right outside your window and you've made an irreparable ass groove in your chair (yeah, we've all done it before).

Demetri Martin - Jokes with a Guitar


Whitest Kids U' Know - Slow Jerk


Whitest Kids U Know - Cubicle Boss


Picniceface - Powerthirst


Picnicface - Powerthirst 2


And lastly, Funny commercials